Came across this photo before Xmas and it dragged me down memory lane with a whole load of hindsight!
Yes, look at that amazing view in the background!
That was at the breakfast table in Dingle Skellegs Hotel many years ago when I had no wrinkles & dark hair!
Do you think I noticed that view? Nope! Not at all.
Anxiety thoughts, feelings and behaviours were zapping away all present moment awareness and moments of joy.
My baby was 3 months old and her sibling was 16 months old.
All I could remember feeling when my good husband excitedly announced he was taking us on holidays was annoyed, total stress, overwhelm & fear!
The anxiety of leaving the house the routine the structure.
The stress of packing for 2 babies etc. for a hotel room for 2 days filled me with dread.
I was excessively worrying about the health of the two babies at that time, which was triggered from a previous perinatal traumatic event.
This led to very black and white thinking and I became very controlling of our environment wherever we were including on holidays!
That showed up on holidays like, no drinks in the lobby or lounge area because it was routine bed time so we were all isolated to the room ....ya 4 of us!!
Until my poor husband made the great escape to the bar to bring a drink back down to the room for us both and took longer than necessary - my reaction........I lost my shit!
Next day I flipped at the suggestion that I should go to the spa or outdoor Jacuzzi to relax!
The suggestion even that I could relax was alien. That feeling of relaxation and calm was just unreachable at the time of my life.
Everything felt stressful and overwhelming nothing felt easy or enjoyable...it just all felt hard.
Inch beach was another meltdown
My 16-month-old got super excited to see the beach & was joyfully and playfully splashing in water and sand as any toddler would and should be doing.
I literally cried at the thoughts of the clean up and the mess in the car!
I could not even relax enough let my baby play! Such was my need to control my environment all the time. I could not be present and enjoy the precious fun moments.
I felt constantly on edge and had lost confidence in myself as a mother because I didn't like the way I was feeling and how I was behaving!
Yes I was intolerable to live with I would say!
Unknowing I was struggling with perinatal anxiety.
Due to mixture of unacceptance and lack of awareness I carried on struggling for 5 years until I hit a wall and had to seek support through counselling and well-being classes.
If any of these symptom’s behaviour’s or ways of being are resonating with you & you feel perinatal anxiety may be robbing you of this precious time and great memories don't let it!
Reach out, there is so much awareness now and supports available to help you feel like yourself again or maybe help you with the transition into motherhood and parenthood.
Just know you are not alone.